Just Mediocre

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Mediocrity will never do. You are capable of something better.”~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Since starting my job back in January, I’ve become part of the Bus Pass Posse! It sure gives you a very different insight to life! I hear all sorts of interesting conversations or parts of them at least.

Like today, two people sitting behind me were talking about life things. I’m pretty sure they were no older than mid twenties! Anyway, the part that has stuck was the one saying “Well, it’s mediocre.” The other responded with “that’s it?” They then proceeded to have a conversation about how no one can really expect more than mediocre in life. Striving for anything else was just going to set you up to fail and be disappointed. I almost jumped out of my seat!!! Seriously???? I mean, why would anyone purposely want JUST mediocre out of life – were they that jaded at twenty five – ish? Or were they okay with mediocre? They got off the bus before I could ask them that…

Mediocre quote

So it got me thinking – am I settling for mediocre in my life right now?   Is this what I’m feeling – life is mediocre? I certainly am not where I thought I’d be in life right now. I struggle with some of the choice I feel I have been “forced” to make – I know what you’re going to say, however, sometimes, decisions have to be made out of necessity – that’s how things are right now. There are bills to pay and I do like to eat lol!

I have been sitting with creativity at bay – wondering the who, what, when and how of what is next for me. You see, I don’t want mediocre by any means. I want to feel that I’ve settled for beyond great! I want amazing, fabulous and more!

I have made excuses to allow my life to feel mediocre right now and quite frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of using my fear as an excuse, using the “no time or money” reasons as to why something can’t happen. I just need to suck it up and leap – I know this from my brain to my heart and back again, yet, somehow, I teeter on the edge….

Almost telling the world, I’m settling for mediocre…and I promise I’m not because I’m worth more than being run-of-the-mill!

“But why diminish your soul being run-of-the-mill at something? Mediocrity: now there is ugliness for you.  Mediocrity’s a hairball coughed up on the Persian carpet of Creation.” ~ Tom Robbins, Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas

Until next time, I wish you love, peace, a life way better than mediocre and above all, may you discover YOUR 2.0

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A Letter to Myself

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This blog post was going to be on a completely different topic.

Then the mail arrived.

A letter to myself…

At the end of 2018, I attended a one day retreat. As per usual, the host of the retreat put on an amazing day. One of the activities we did was write a letter to our future self. She would mail it at some point to us in 2019.

Dear.

Well, mine came today. When I saw my handwriting, I knew… this would most likely make me tear up. I almost didn’t open it up… and then I did.

What actually surprised me is what I wrote. Of course, none of us have a crystal ball and as much as we wish we could, we can’t predict the future.

What did I write? The highlights…

  • I told myself how proud I am of my continuous effort to maintain balance in my life
  • Gave myself permission to forgive when I faltered
  • Congratulated myself on taking that writing course
  • Reminded myself to dance
  • Proud we rescued the sweetest dog ever
  • And reminded myself that even though I may not be in the exact place I want to be, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now
  • And most of all – my mantra, “You’ve Got This”

I’m kinda insightful sometimes huh? I make light, I know.  Sitting here right now, looking at these highlights, I’m pretty proud of myself. I have made balance a part of my daily practice. I continue to work on forgiving to myself for everything from not finishing a project to self doubt to feeding my fears – sometimes, like many of us; I’m the hardest on myself. I am still working on that writing course. I dance when I can. Hubs & I really did rescue (well, he rescued us) the sweetest guy ever! And, most of all, while I may not be doing what I want to do at this moment, I’m bridging to that point and if it takes a little longer than I planned, that’s okay to. I’ve got this.

So, thank you past Kristina. This present Kristina thanks you for the love, the reminders and most of all, the future Kristina is excited to see where we go next and no matter what…. I’ve got this!

I've got this

So, until next time, I wish you love, peace, joy, happiness and the gentle reminder – You’ve got this!

 

Stop Being a Cheapskate!

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Today I read a quote which basically said (I’m paraphrasing here) “don’t be a cheapskate when it comes to taking inventory of what lights you up.”  There was a lot more to the quote, however, this  phrase has been with me all day.  It has, in turn, inspired me to write this.

Why do we cheap out on what matters most to us?  Is it because we feel our deepest dream or goal is unattainable?  Is it because it scares us? Is it because we’re worried what people will think of us? Is it because we feel inadequate?  Is it because we don’t have enough money or we think we don’t deserve it or worse yet, we’re not enough?  If we’re cheaping out on ourselves on what lights us up, most likely, it’s one or all of these thoughts.

When I think of my own hopes, new dreams and goals (and I have some pretty lofty ones!), I know I totally cheap out and short change myself.  Honestly, despite what I may show on the outside, inside, I’m shittin’ bricks thinking about them.  I get frustrated with each set back and quite frankly, I often have given up!

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It’s normal, I think, for us humans to doubt ourselves every step of the way.  We all freak right out each time a plot twist or course redirect comes our way, however, it’s how we choose to accept it that makes the difference.

I’m in the throws of a whole lotta plot twists and course redirections right now and as I stumble through the path trying to figure out exactly which path I’m choosing and how am I going to get there (trust me when I tell you I’m scratching my head thinking, WTF, how on earth is this going to even become a reality?)  I know those damn gremlins are talking really loud in my brain. Trying to shush them is a challenge.  I’ll save that for another day lol!

I know we live in a world where we’re told to dream big, believe it, anything can happen – blah, blah, blah.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I do believe that we can set intentions and direct our course, and I most definitely believe that the universe can support us.  I also believe that sometimes, we have to welcome the gremlins, let them do their thing, talk them down and find our way out of the self doubt, despair and remind ourselves not to be cheapskates! Then, and only then, can we recognize what lights us up, makes us happy, fulfill dreams, goals and more!

So my friends, the next time you find yourself being a cheapskate, think of my favourite Marianne Williamson quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Until next time, find what lights you up, don’t be a cheapskate, be bold and discover your 2.0!!!

 

 

The Ups (and downs) of Another 66 day Habit Challenge

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Challenge

A while ago, I wrote about my 66 day challenge.  It felt great to turn that challenge into a habit that I continue to do each morning.  It no longer feels like a challenge – it most definitely is a habit!  It’s not always perfect and yes, some mornings I really don’t want to get up that extra ½ hour early to do head into my zen room yet I still do – and each morning I am so grateful I did!

Fast forward through to today.  I’ve been working hard on accomplishing my next challenge – another 66 day love affair with myself!   The challenge???  Well, it was to set aside minimum of ½ hour each day after I get home from work (and after walking the dog – because, the bladder can’t wait) to work on projects I want to complete like my writing course, writing a blog post, or working on my dream goal or some self care time like a nice hot bubble bath.  The biggest part of this challenge has been letting go of the guilt and the “have to” list – I have to start dinner, I have to clean the bathroom, I have to run these errands – you know what I’m talking about right?

Habit for yourself

What was interesting for me was that I had to restart this habit challenge about 5 times!  I gave myself a big ole permission slip, I asked a friend to check in, I wrote a blog post about it, hell,  I even spoke with my counselor about this – the whole nine yards, however, somehow, I was, well, failing.  It was a bit of a vicious circle and there has been a TON of loathing self talk going on.

So, now, what’s the status of this challenge you ask???  You are asking right?  Finally, something in my brain clicked – I made a chart and I even give myself stars each week once I hit the end of the week.  I made a list of all the things I would do on one page and the chart on the other.

I am SO proud to say this time around, I’m successfully turning this into a beautiful habit.  I still am working on the guilt and letting go of the “have to” list  – that’s another work in progress and most likely another blog lol!

Until next time, may you find love, peace, happiness, something to challenge yourself with and as always, may you discover YOUR 2.0

When I grow up…

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Recently I was asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  HUH????  I hadn’t been asked that in years (too many years to count really).  To be honest, I sorta stopped thinking about that around the time I got my first “real” job.  I grew up in a time (and family) where you had to put stability first, what you really wanted came second.

Ask any kid what they want to be and I guarantee they will change their mind a million times over the years.  I’m sure I did.  When did I stop growing up, dreaming, wanting something different or wanting more? Why was I okay with things being as they are?  I let the bills take over, the responsibility of life take over and hearing my mother’s voice, “sometimes, we just have to grow up and do what is required.”  BLAH!!!!

grow up

So, back to the “what I want to be when I grow up” conversation – we continued discussing this idea, the person I spoke with said she hadn’t really found her life’s passion until she was in her seventies (and she’s still discovering things to help her evolve) – she’d been through many “I want to bes” in her life.

It got me thinking, (of course, that was most likely the point) have I already grown up and this is it?  Would I be content if I ‘stopped’ growing up?  Why would I stop?  Why do I even want to stop? How can I be content to stop growing up?  Do I even want to stop or keep going?  Well, my friends, I’m not done yet – I still have a whole lotta badass shit to do, see and take in.  I AM here for more, better and greater things – I just have to want it, own it, and damn well do it –  that’s all!

It’s okay to change paths, careers, journeys – whatever you want to call it.  Why do we feel that, at any adult age, we must be stuck?  Truth is, we’re not.  We can change direction, cross the street or find a new road any time we bloody well want.  Looking back, I’ve changed paths already a few times and each time, I thought “this was it” and then things changed – again, for the better!  I’ve been many phases of grown up and I want to be so many more.

This life is meant to grow, change, inspire and develop. We are never suck – it never has to be either/or it can be and and and!!!!  We never have to “grow up.” No one said it was mandatory.

So, ask me again what I want to be when I grow up?  The answer is right here…

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Until next time, may you never grow up and lose who you really want to be.  Create and discover YOUR 2.0 (or 3 or 4 or 100)!

Friends & Food

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Food quote

Recently hubs & I hosted a gathering of friends. A lovely evening that included a lot (and I mean a lot) of good food.

I’ve always loved entertaining – I think I get that from my mumma.  I remember her putting on these lavish dinners and hosting open houses for special occasions. From folding the napkins just right to making sure the food was delicious, it was an all day (sometimes two) event to prepare.

Fast forward to today (or well, the other day) when we hosted our latest gathering – Greek Easter.  I spent the day before cleaning and shopping then the day of – cooking and cooking and then cooking some more! I’m like a machine lol!  I think though, during this time, I may or may not (I’m not confirming or denying) I stress M out a bit in my frantic way.  He knows, though, the end result is totally worth the effort.

Anyway, back to the story…  the evening at hand was fabulous.  Friends gathered visiting, laughing, eating and me wondering around making sure everyone is eating enough (this is another thing I get from my mumma). I love the connection.  I love seeing everyone connected some how, in some little way. I love creating the memories.

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As one of my friends left, she said something that really made me stop and think.  She said “You are the reason why everyone gets together…”  There was a lot more to our goodbye, however, those words – that’s what stands out.

Later on that evening, as we were cleaning up, I told M about this conversation.  I also said my first instinct is to reply “it’s not me, it’s the food.  They just come for the food!”  So why is it hard to own this?  I have no idea – for me, doing this particular feast and having a house full of people fills my heart in ways that I can’t describe.  I know that this “act of service” is my way of showing my friends how much I love them.  I wouldn’t change a thing about it!  It makes me happy to share this abundance with those who continue to support and cheer me on in this crazy journey of life.

After much contemplation, going around in circles in my head thinking about it,  I have come to realize this…

In the end, I totally, wholeheartedly accept and own that I am the reason everyone gathers together.  And the food, well, that is just one big ole delicious bonus!!

The Day the Sugar Spilled

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 “No memory is ever alone; it’s at the end of a trail of memories, a dozen trails that each have their own associations.” ~ Louis L’Amour

Memory is funny thing.   A song, a smell, a word, a food or a visit to a special place can whirl you back in time to the exact moment your sense first encountered it. Memories, they play a huge part in our lives, forming us, comforting us or even shape how we move forward in this journey of life.

My most recent memory is sugar. Yes, sugar – a great big ole pile of white granulated sugar. This particular memory occurred on a day that changed my life forever…

pile of sugar

As the third anniversary of my mum’s death approaches, memories have been slowly encroaching my brain. The strangest of memories is that damn fucking sugar! I vividly remember the sugar incident. That morning, I decided to make a loaf of bread in the bread machine. As I grabbed the sugar container from the counter, it slipped right out of my hands!   The container flipped over and spilled white granules of sugar over the entire counter. I’m sure you can imagine the curse words that came out of me at that moment!

That’s when my phone rang.   That’s when life as I knew it was about to change forever…

It was the counselor from the hospice my mum was in. She called me to say my mum’s condition had taken a turn and I should get to Vancouver ASAP. I had just been there the day before – she gave no indication of anything changing so I went back to Victoria.

Do I regret that decision?   Some days yes and some days no.   I was home alone with the dog that morning… Hubby was already at work and was too far gone to be able to turn back.   I can remember the kitchen began to spin and I fell to the floor. For a second, I actually didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t put my thoughts into action, I was in a complete panicked state – I was frozen in that moment.

Somehow, I managed to gather myself up off the floor and figure out how I was going to get myself to Vancouver – I was in no shape to drive myself. Thank goodness for friends who dropped everything to help me that day – I will always be grateful for you!

So back to that damn effing sugar! Along with that memory, I remember calling CP to help. She dropped everything on her day off to come to my rescue – take care of the business, the dog and that damn sugar!!! I don’t know if I’ve ever truly expressed how grateful I was to her for cleaning that up for me – way beyond the call of duty. Hell, she even made the bread! Things like that, don’t seem like a lot to some – for me, that day, it meant the world.

I didn’t make it in time to say goodbye to my mum. She died alone. Although it’s often how our loved ones want it. They say they want you there, but they wait until you leave the room. That’s how it was. The volunteer that sat with my mum, telling her I was on my way, left the room. For those who know the ferry trip from Victoria to Vancouver, mum decided to take her last breath as we approached Active Pass. It’s one of my favourite spots on that ferry trip to Vancouver (although now, I go through that spot and whisper to my mum the things I wish I could still tell her).   Maybe it was just a coincidence or maybe it was fate she chose that exact moment – who knows. However, knowing my mum, she planned it that way!

Upon arrival at the hospice, a couple of our friends were there. One of my mum’s good friends brought Apricot brandy – a favourite of her & mum’s to drink. She thrust the bottle into my hand and said “DRINK!” Funny how I can smell that brandy as I write this…I’m grateful to that friend, through a lot of tears, we laughed at stories about her & mum drinking said brandy.

There are days mum’s death feels like just yesterday and some days it feels like a lifetime ago!   So much has happened in the past three years, so much I long to say to her, so much I wish I could share with her, so many times I wish I could hear her offering words of comfort or support, reminding me how strong, tough & courageous I am and so many times I wish she was here to wrap her arms around me with a hug. My biggest hope is that she is looking down and smiling looking at one of her friends saying, “Yeah, that’s my daughter! I’m so fucking proud of her!”

remember whos daughter I am